Luke And Lorelai: Sitting In A Tree
by Oregano
Summary: Is it the work of Higher Beings? Stale Coffee? Al? Nobody knows, but something's giving Lorelai hallucinations. About Luke. Where's that number for the Insane Asylum? (reformatted to look cooler)


**LUKE AND LORELAI: SITTING IN A TREE (re-edited)**  
by Oregano  


  
  
**EXT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – FRONT PORCH – DAY**  
It is a beautiful autumn day. Brown leaves are all over the ground. We MOVE towards the front door to see LORELAI GILMORE closing it. She turns around to reveal a black BAG with a white pocket. Printed against the white background is a bold red cross.  
  
**RORY (O.S.)**  
What is that?  
  
**LORELAI**  
(looking down)  
What is what?  
  
RORY GILMORE steps into the scene. She points to the bag.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Oh. This. Got it from some flea market. I think it's cool.  
  
**RORY**  
You're kidding, right? 

**INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY**  
Lorelai and Rory enter. JESS MARIANO is holding two plates. He hears them come in and turns.  
  
**JESS**  
Wow. World War III? So soon?  
  
**LORELAI**  
This is a cool bag!  
  
**JESS**  
Sure. If you're a medic…  
  
**LORELAI**  
Just give us some coffee.  
  
LUKE DANES enters from the kitchen.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Hey Luke!  
  
Luke doesn't answer. We ZOOM to his face. He grunts and as we ZOOM OUT, he walks towards Lorelai as if to attack. When he reaches her, Luke grabs Lorelai's face forcefully and KISSES her. Lorelai is surprised and falls back to a chair. Luke is still kissing her.  
  
**CUT TO:**  
The Diner still, but Luke is holding a coffee pot and a plate in front of Lorelai.  
  
**LUKE**  
Lorelai? Hey Lorelai!  
  
Lorelai stands by a table with a dazed look on her face. She snaps back to reality with an embarrassed yet confused look.  
  
**LUKE**  
Are you okay? You kind of zonked out for a second…  
  
**LORELAI**  
Gah, I'm fine! Yep. Fine. That's my middle name. I'm fine.  
  
**LUKE**  
You're sure?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Yeah! Why wouldn't I be?  
  
**LUKE**  
Okay.  
(beat)  
Oh, hey, guess what, I had a call earlier.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Really? Someone cool?  
  
**LUKE**  
Kind of. It was the Swiss Army General; they want their First Aid Kit back…  
  
**LORELAI**  
What is wrong with this bag?!  
  
**RORY**  
Well, the fact that you actually own it is one thing.

**INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – NIGHT**  
Lorelai and Rory are on the couch, eating junk food and watching a movie. Lorelai looks disturbed and preoccupied. Rory notices this.  
  
**RORY**  
What's wrong, mom?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Huh? What? Ah, nothing wrong. Why would anything be wrong? All is right in the world, nothing wrong to witness…  
(off Rory's raised eyebrow)  
FINE! I had a weird moment this morning in the diner, okay? But I'm sure it's nothing.  
  
Lorelai examines her nails haughtily.  
  
**RORY**  
(suspicious)  
What "weird moment"?  
  
**LORELAI**  
(mumbles)  
I, uh, zonked out and dreamt that Luke… kissed… me…  
  
She now looks at Rory with a sour expression, as if she had just eaten a bug.  
  
**RORY**  
Well, that's not a nice face to make, especially since it's Luke we're talking about...  
  
**LORELAI**  
What about Luke? What are you yammering about, Missy?   
  
**RORY**  
That you like Luke as much as he likes you.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Of course, I like Luke. Everyone likes Luke.  
(beat)  
Well, maybe not Taylor. Or Kirk. Hey! Even you like Luke!  
  
**RORY**  
Yes, I do like Luke, but I'm not the one having kissy-kissy fantasies in his diner.  
  
**LORELAI**  
(defensive)  
They weren't fantasies; I had one of those scary panic attacks.  
  
**RORY**  
Of course. Because every person who has a panic attack experiences kissing people in flannel but actually don't.   
**  
LORELAI**  
I did! I actually felt my heart stop—   
**  
RORY**  
From the sight of Luke?  
  
**LORELAI**  
(squints an eye)  
…And my breath quicken—  
  
**RORY**  
Again, from Luke?  
  
**LORELAI**  
I don't like where this description of my, may I remind you, fatal experience is going…  
  
**RORY**  
Yes, having a kissy-kissy moment is a lot like running in front of a bus.  
  
**LORELAI**  
If, tomorrow, you find me sprawled on my bed, motionless and bleeding, I'll come back from the dead just to say, "I told you so."  
  
**RORY**  
And then we'll walk to Luke's and you can ghost-kiss him, like Demi Moore!  
  
**LORELAI**  
I've taught you too much of this sacred art of mocking.  
  
**RORY**  
Hey, I'm just trying to survive in society, babe.  
  
**LORELAI**  
(puts her hand to her mouth)  
My God, you're a monster!

**EXT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY**  
Lorelai and Rory are again on their way to Luke's Diner. It's a school day, so Rory is in her Chilton uniform. As they come closer, Rory snickers to herself and gives a teasing glance to Lorelai.  
**  
LORELAI**  
Don't look at me like that!  
  
They enter.  


**  
INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY**  
Lorelai smiles to herself. Nothing. They take a seat at a table.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Nothing! I told you it was a fluke. Now, if you'll excuse me, I will now proceed to do the "Nyah-nyah" Dance.  
  
Lorelai starts bobbing her head and singing, "Nyah-nyah," in a hip-hop tune. Luke comes up to them with two mugs and the coffee pot. Just as Lorelai whips her arms up,  
  
**LUKE**  
(alarmed)  
Why are you so hot?!  
  
Lorelai immediately stops and quickly looks at Luke.  
  
**LORELAI**  
What?!  
  
**LUKE**  
I said, "Watch out, it's hot." What's wrong with you?  
  
**LORELAI**  
I think I've shifted to the Twilight Zone.  
  
**LUKE**  
Haven't you been living there for the last ten years?   
  
**LORELAI**  
Funny man. You should be a superhero with that talent of sarcasm. You can run around in spandex and neon underwear in the outside of your pants and tuck your socks into your—  
**  
LUKE**  
HEY! Here's your coffee.   
  
He pours Lorelai a generous cup.  
  
**LORELAI**  
I am thoroughly enjoying this coffee-giving activity of yours.  
  
**LUKE**  
Anything to stop you from talking about stuffing socks in odd places.  


  
**INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY – LATER**  
Rory goes over to the counter to pay. She sees Jess and smiles. Jess remains stoic. She leans over the counter.  
  
**JESS**  
(fake concern)  
Watch out, your bulldog may be looking.  
  
**RORY**  
(exasperated)  
Jess…  
  
**JESS**  
We all know how protective Lassie is of her owner. I have work to do, Rory.   
(beat)  
And that's $12.50 please.  
  
Rory gives him the money. She stares at Jess sadly as he holds out the change to her.  
  
**JESS**  
Thank you, come again.  
  
Rory glares at him and doesn't take the money. She leaves. Once she's gone, Jess shrugs and puts the money in his pocket. He turns and bumps into Luke. He frowns at Jess.  
  
**LUKE**  
(sighs)  
Jess…  
  
**JESS**  
I love how everyone knows my name! We should franchise this diner in Boston!   
  
Luke opens his mouth to speak, but Jess cuts him off.  
**  
JESS**  
(glowering)  
Spare me.  
  
Jess goes around Luke and exits. Luke closes his eyes and sighs again.  


  
**INT. INDEPENDENCE INN – LOBBY – DAY**  
We PAN OVER to the RECEPTION DESK. MICHEL GERARD holds the phone in one hand and points to a page in the telephone directory with another. He is about to MAKE A CALL. Lorelai enters and walks beside him.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Hey Michel.  
  
**MICHEL**  
Yes. Hello. What do you want now?  
  
**LORELAI**  
(smiles fancifully)  
A foot massage.  
(beat)  
Any messages for me?  
  
**MICHEL**  
No. Nobody likes you and the world once again makes sense. Go away.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Touchy.  
  
**MICHEL**  
(annoyed)  
I'm not the one in denial!  
  
**LORELAI**  
What?   
  
**MICHEL**  
I said, "I've just lost the one to dial."   
  
**LORELAI**  
Oh.  
(face scrunches up)  
Okay.  
  
Lorelai exits, leaving Michel staring at her retreating form weirdly. He rolls his eyes and starts to look for the telephone number again.  


  
**INT. THE INDEPENDENCE INN – KITCHEN – DAY**  
Lorelai opens the door to talk to SOOKIE ST. JAMES. She is busy decorating a cake. Lorelai grunts and plops down on the stool beside the cake.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Sookie, I am going insane.  
  
**SOOKIE**  
(not looking up from the cake)  
Why? Did something happen?  
  
**LORELAI**  
I keep hearing these stupid things! First with Luke, now a while ago with Michel! I feel like I should be walking around with Bruce Willis instead of that kid from AI!  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Luke is in love with you.  
  
**LORELAI**  
(jumps in her seat and points)  
Now it's you!  
  
**SOOKIE**  
(ignores the cake and faces Lorelai, excited)  
Ooh, ooh, what did I say?  
  
**LORELAI**  
You just said that Luke is in love with me!  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Really?!  
(pensive look)  
Well, it is true…  
  
**LORELAI**  
In what universe would that be construed as useful?  
  
**SOOKIE**  
(gasps)  
You're finally realizing it! I may win this round yet!  
  
**LORELAI**  
Realizing what?  
**  
SOOKIE**  
That you're in love with Luke, too!  
  
**LORELAI**  
I am not in love with Luke!  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Then why are you hearing stuff?  
  
**LORELAI**  
I don't know! Maybe it was bad pizza, stale coffee… I don't know! Stupid Al. It's probably his fault. See if I ever come back there again… and if I do, I'll be wearing a very mean scowl.  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Or maybe…  
  
**LORELAI**  
(looks sideways at Sookie)  
Maybe what?  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Maybe the Higher Beings got pissed with you being all oblivious and stuff.  
  
**LORELAI**  
(lets out a breath)  
I'm taking the day off before I start chewing on my own arm. This is all too weird.  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Okay, take care, honey.  
(beat)  
Luke is in love with you!  
  
**LORELAI**  
That's not funny.  
  
Lorelai exits. After a moment, she comes back in.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Wait a minute. What "round"?  
**  
SOOKIE**  
(deer-in-headlights look)  
Nothing. I didn't say, "I may win this round yet!" No, no. I said…  
(thinks for a moment)  
I said, "Pie day Cindy's pound… set!" Because if I DID say, "I may win this round yet!" that would imply that I was part of some sick bet to predict when you'll realize Luke likes you. And I'm not that kind of person. At all. Do I look like that kind of person?  
(turns to one of her assistants)  
BOB! I'm not that kind of person, am I?  
  
**BOB**  
Of course not!  
  
**SOOKIE**  
Of course not! See? Heh. Even. Bob. Thinks. So.   
  
Lorelai glares at Sookie as she exits again.  
  
**SOOKIE**  
(sighs)  
Fine. You win.  
  
As soon as Lorelai's gone, she pulls out a board with everyone's names on it and the bets. She looks at it for a moment and then reluctantly shoves it in the garbage.  
  
The room groans.  
  
**SOOKIE**  
(yells)  
She found out, okay?!  


  
**EXT. NEWS STAND – DAY**  
Lorelai stops and takes a minute to read one of the magazines. She flips through it. Luke comes up from behind and embraces her tightly. Lorelai is surprised and gasps. She then calms down and relaxes. She closes her eyes. Luke bows his head and kisses her shoulder.  
  
**CUT TO:**  
The same news stand, but she's all alone.  
  
Lorelai opens her eyes again. She clutches the magazine stiffly.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Oh, my God.  
  
Lorelai runs out of the scene.  


  
**INT. GILMORE RESIDENCE – DAY**  
Lorelai slams the door behind her, panting wildly. She is in a panic. We PAN OVER QUICKLY to the opening of a hallway, and we see Luke standing there with a toolbox in hand. He looks at Lorelai funny but he is concerned.  
  
Lorelai's eyes widen and she screams. She flattens herself against the door with her arms in front of her.  
  
**LORELAI**  
AAAAUUUGGHHH! IT'S LIKE _THE SHINING_!  
  
**LUKE**  
What the hell is wrong with you?  
  
**LORELAI**  
(lowers her arms)  
What are you doing here?!   
**  
LUKE  
**What? You told me last week to come over and fix the back door! You and Rory broke the window with that big-ass bread loaf you baked, remember?  
  
**LORELAI**  
(gets lost in the memory and laughs)  
Yeah, that was a good one.  
(beat)  
How did you get in?  
  
**LUKE**  
Come on, Lorelai. The freaking door was smashed to splinters.  
(beat)  
Are you sure you're all right?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Hey, Luke, do you like me?  
  
**LUKE**  
What?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Do you like me?  
  
**LUKE**  
Well, not right now-- you're kind of freaking me out.  
  
**LORELAI**  
I'm serious, Luke.  
  
**LUKE**  
(smiles a bit)  
What's not to like?  
(beat)  
(frowns)  
What's wrong with your face? It's all twitchy.  
  
We see that Lorelai's eye has developed a considerable tick. She slaps her hand onto her face.  


  
**EXT. BUS STOP – DAY**  
DEAN FORRESTER waits for Rory to come home. He sits patiently at a nearby bench. Jess passes by behind him. He sees Dean and smirks.  
  
**JESS**  
Well, well, well, if it isn't Dean—The Man, himself. Why so lonely, Dean? Forget your Gameboy?  
  
**DEAN**  
Beat it, Jess.  
  
**JESS**  
Aw, waiting for your girlfriend? That is just so, so sweet! Are you going to the Malt Shop afterwards and share a vanilla milkshake? I'll bet Pop Tate'll give you the special seat!  
  
**DEAN**  
Jess…  
  
**JESS**  
Oops, my bad. Was it a strawberry milkshake? You guys aren't going to sip from the same straw, are you? How cute!  
  
Dean stands up and looks down at Jess. But before he can say anything, the bus arrives and Rory comes out. She sees the inevitable fight and runs over to them.  
  
**RORY**  
Hey, Dean!  
(kisses Dean)  
Jess, what are you doing here?  
  
**DEAN**  
He was picking a fight again.  
  
**JESS**  
Oooh, tattletale.  
  
Dean is ready to punch him.  
  
**RORY**  
(holds Dean back)  
Jess, just leave.  
  
**JESS**  
Fine. I was just passing by anyway. Don't choke on that milkshake, okay, Dean-ie-poo?  
  
Jess walks away with a smile on his face. We then MOVE towards Rory and Dean. Dean puts his arm around Rory protectively and frowns.  
  
**DEAN**  
I really hate that guy.  


  
**INT. LUKE'S DINER – DAY**  
Lorelai and Rory are eating breakfast in the diner again. They sit at a table and talk. Lorelai glances at Luke.  
  
**RORY**  
Why do you keep doing that?  
  
**LORELAI**  
Doing what?  
  
**RORY**  
Staring at Luke like he's on the Discovery Channel.  
  
**LORELAI**  
I am not!  
  
**RORY**  
Ms. Goodall, the apes are in Africa.  
  
**LORELAI**  
There is no staring!  
  
**RORY**  
Huh. Mom, you know Clint Eastwood, right?  
  
Luke walks over to them, again with the coffee pot.  
  
**RORY**  
Hey Luke!   
  
**LUKE**  
(nods)  
Rory.  
  
**LORELAI**  
(snickers)  
Luke likes me…  
  
**LUKE**  
(turns red)  
I do not.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Sure you do…  
  
**LUKE**  
(turns redder)  
I do not!  
  
**LORELAI**  
You told me yesterday you did!  
(beat)  
You don't hate me, do you?  
  
**LUKE**  
Of course not!  
(sighs heavily)  
I like you, Lorelai. Okay? Now shut up and eat.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Ha!  
  
**RORY**  
Hi, those of us past third grade, please raise their arms.  
  
Everyone in the diner raises their hands except for Luke and Lorelai.  
  
**RORY**  
Aw, mom. You made Luke all blushy.  
  
Luke walks away with a scowl.  
  
**LUKE**  
(to self)  
You try to hope for the best, but somehow it always, always blows up in your face the moment they speak.  
  
Rory grins wickedly at Lorelai.  
  
**LORELAI**  
You're turning into the Cheshire Cat, my friend. Don't disappear on me and leave your mouth behind. Because I'd totally scream bloody murder.  
  
**RORY**  
You're in love with Luke.  
  
**LORELAI**  
Come again? I think I'm hearing things again.  
**  
RORY  
**You are in love with Luke.  
  
Lorelai glances at Luke again.  
  
**LORELAI**  
(softly, distracted)  
No, I'm not.  
  
Luke looks up from behind the counter and meets Lorelai's eyes. Lorelai sucks in a breath. She blinks. She slowly stands and makes her way to where Luke is standing.  
  
**LUKE**  
What's wrong with you now, Lorelai?  
  
**LORELAI**  
(grabs Luke's shirt)  
I'm not quite sure.  
  
Lorelai pulls Luke towards her and kisses him. The diner becomes quiet as everyone turns to look at them both.   
  
MISS PATTY clasps her hands together and chuckles.  
  
**MISS PATTY**  
Finally!  
  
KIRK GLEASON sits motionless, as he always does.  
  
**KIRK**  
Damn.  
  
Dean walks into the diner. He sees Lorelai and Luke and raises his eyebrows. He takes a seat in front of Rory.  
  
**DEAN**  
Wow, those two are really at it, huh?  
  
Luke has overcome his surprise and is, rather, "enthusiastically" kissing Lorelai back.  
  
**RORY**  
(slightly disgusted)  
They're turning the gross factor up a notch.  
(yells)  
GET A ROOM!  
  
All of a sudden, Jess appears behind Dean, who is still smiling at Rory. Jess suddenly grabs Dean by the shoulders and throws him aside like a dummy. He then throws the table behind him with one hand. Rory leans back, frightened out of her wits. Jess steps closer and leans down to kisses her passionately. Rory finds herself kissing him back.  
  
**CUT TO:**  
The diner. Dean is still sitting in front of Rory.  
  
**DEAN**  
Rory? Rory!  
  
Dean snaps his fingers in front of Rory's bemused face.  
  
**DEAN**  
Are you aright?  
  
Rory jolts from her stupor with wide eyes. She turns to look at Jess. He stands behind the counter. He is wiping it, bored. His head suddenly shoots up. He looks up to see Rory staring at him. He smirks at her.  
  
**RORY**  
Oh. God.  
  
**END.**  
  



End file.
